


Ashes and Wild Roses

by wicked_writings



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breastfeeding, Brotherly relations, But after all that is the fluff, But you might need tissues, Christmas, Epic fluff, Gangbang, Mama!Loki, Mentions of deceased soldier, Mpreg, Multi, Odin's A+ Parenting, birth scene, mentions of stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 11:38:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicked_writings/pseuds/wicked_writings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki does desperate things for money, desperate things for good reasons (5 of them, in fact). Then one day his past comes back to haunt him as his estranged brother comes across him. What happens next will determine his future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Loki

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dark Nights, Broken Places, and Home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/514421) by [wicked_writings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicked_writings/pseuds/wicked_writings). 



> I wrote the first chapter of this quite a while ago, and it actually ended up morphing into 'Dark Nights, Broken Places and Home'. Because of this, it has quite similar elements to that story. I never ditched this original chapter and went back and finished it last night in an epic all night writing session.
> 
> Title is a reference to that awesome song 'The Roses of Success' from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (best. movie. ever.).

_Somewhere in Boston_

The club is dirty and crowded, seedy and low-brow, but most of all it's anonymous and nameless, just a filthy red door plastered to the wall 6 feet below street level. Loki wouldn’t have known it existed if it hadn’t been for the tattered business card that was shoved in the back pocket of his jeans after a rough fuck against the brick wall of an alley.

Loki comes for the money. The promise of a fistful of cash, enough to get what he needs without taking a third job or begging the bank for a loan he knew they wouldn’t give. He doesn’t want to do this, but it’s not like he has a choice. 

He’s not a customer, he’s a participant, so instead of crowding the dank bar for a drink he keeps pushing through the throng of men until he comes to the stage door. There’s a bouncer, but he’s not so much a heavy as he is a judge, and his eyes run up and down Loki’s body until he feels as though he might as well already be naked. He passes the test, and he shouldn’t feel relieved, but he does. He goes through the door the bouncer holds open for him with no little trepidation. 

It’s not so crowded back here, but it’s even more sleazy, and Loki swallows down the bile that rises in his throat. He doesn’t belong here, he should be at home, far away from this place and its filth, but he’s come too far to turn back. He’s noticed anyway, and a short man in a shabby fedora motions him over with a black gloved hand. 

He nods, his lips pursed, and mutters, “you’ll do, you’ll do. Get back there, and get naked.”

There’s nothing else, no formalities, but Loki knows he shouldn’t expect any more. He does as he is told, and slides into a small side room, where there are already piles of clothes and a heavy, cloying smell of sex and sweat. He strips quickly, but folds his clothes carefully and places them in a pile on a table. 

Despite the warmth, he’s suddenly cold, and grips his elbows to hold heat to his chest. He should feel ashamed, but he’s too desperate to dwell, and instead feels a foreign sense of restlessness, as if he should be moving but his feet are stuck to the floor. 

The clock on the wall tells him he waits for only 15 minutes before they come for him, greedy smiles on their faces as they tug him across the room to another door. “Just shut up and do what they tell ya,” snarls a man at the door, and Loki hates him already. He’s pushed through, and suddenly there are lights in his face and it’s blinding him, and he can hear the rising cheers and jeers of the throng of drunken customers. 

It’s too late to turn back, though he thinks to himself _I really shouldn’t be here_ , but he has no choice, and that’s all he can say to himself as he tries to quell the rising fear. 

There’s a hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t get to see who it belongs to when he is forced to his knees, and he closes his eyes against it all as if by not seeing he can pretend it doesn’t happen at all. 

*

There’s little he remembers of it, and he prefers it like that, because the memory that remains is so dirty and disgusting that he shakes from the filth of it all. He remembers the first man, slicking him up but not bothering to prepare him, and the pain of penetration that nearly makes him black out. 

It’s a blur after that, as more and more men come down to partake, throwing their money to the floor, and it’s half for him, half for the club, and he remembers that much because this is what he came for and the only reason he stays. The pain fades after a while to a dull ache, and his knees are protesting as he rocks back and forth, but he wills himself to stay upright. 

There’s little he needs to do other than provide a hole, but sometimes they want him to react, and he’ll do what they ask because it means they throw down more money. 

There’s one man taking him roughly, a hand in his hair, and he forces Loki’s head up with a swift pull, and the tears string his eyes but through the haze he sees a familiar face and nearly chokes with the realisation. 

Thor is horrified, feet planted to the ground, shock and familiarity on his face, and even though Loki hasn’t seen him in 8 years he’d know him anywhere. Thor is built, and blond, and stands out in a crowd, not just because he is tall but also because he has such a _presence_ , one that simultaneously made Loki jealous and awed when they were growing up together. His brother, his long-lost brother, and it’s a dingy, seedy sex club where they see each other again, and it’s so humiliating the tears come at last and pour down his cheeks. 

The crowd thinks the tears are because of the hands in his hair, and he lets them think that, playing along with the act, all the while begging Thor to leave, to turn around and leave him there to suffer alone. Eventually, that’s what he does, but it’s not quick enough for Loki to miss the confusion and sadness that mars his face. 

There are three more men, and then another participant comes on stage and Loki is relieved. He gathers up the money, ignoring the laughter from the crowd as he desperately holds it to his chest. He staggers upright, feels wetness drip between his thighs, and thinks his humiliation is finally complete, he is finally at rock-bottom and digging below. 

Backstage, the money is divided, but it’s still more than Loki makes in a week, more than he makes in a fortnight, and it’s enough, it _has_ to be. He doesn’t want to come back because he can’t face this trial again. 

He guards the money while he showers, scrubbing the dirt and the come from his skin, watching it swirl in the water and flow down the drain, and wishes his shame could be washed away so easily. He doesn’t hear anything as he leaves, just keeps his head down and makes for the door. 

The air outside is sharp and cool, and it’s a relief after the stale, warm air inside. He breathes it deep, closes his eyes, and tries to pretend everything is normal again. He makes barely two steps before he is forced to stop, the unwelcome figure of a tall blond man carrying a large bag stepping close before him. 

“Loki?” the man asks, almost disbelieving, but Loki knows who he is, of course, and he has no wish to talk to Thor, not like this anyway. 

“Leave me,” he asks quietly, and tries to walk around. But Thor is quick, and blocks his path again, and finally Loki looks up. There is pity and confusion in his eyes, and Loki doesn’t want to mar his brother with his story if he can help it. 

“No.” Thor is firm, and insistent, and Loki remembers that when Thor decides to do something, nothing can stop him, but Loki doesn’t wish to stop him, just get away. 

“I have to get home, I can’t stay,” he says desperately, hoping Thor will get the hint, but he doesn’t. His stubborness hasn’t diminished since he was a child.

“Not until you tell me what you were doing in that club.” Thor’s voice is low and dangerous.

“You saw what was happening. I have no desire to repeat the experience, either through words or actions. Leave me be.” He knows better than to hope Thor will move, and of course he doesn’t. 

“What were you doing, Loki?” 

“I did what I had to,” Loki whispers, and makes to move around him.

“What could possibly drive you to do something like that? Loki, I haven't seen you in so long... this is not how I expected I would see you again.” 

“I told you, I did what I had to do. I haven’t done it before, I won’t do it again. If you think I enjoyed it, you are severely mistaken.”

“What could have possibly driven you so low?” Thor whispers, standing close over.

Loki bites back a sob, because he knows Thor could never possibly understand, and simmers in the waves of disappointment he feels roll off his brother. “I can’t tell you. It’s nothing you could ever hope to understand.”

“Then show me.” 

*

Loki leads Thor through the empty streets, silent and ashamed, his body aching. It’s a long walk, and though he now has the money for a taxi he couldn’t justify spending the money when he could make his own way. He doesn’t care if Thor protests at the travel, just keeps going. 

He lives in a non-descript block of flats, cheap but reasonably clean, and the best he could afford. The lift is out of service, again, so he takes the stairs, his spirits rising a little as he nears home. He can hear Thor behind him, elephant that he is, feet crashing on each step. 

He unlocks the door as quietly as he can and steps into the living room. It’s lit only by the blue light of the television, and Darcy is passed out on the sofa, her books and reports strewn around her. 

Loki shakes her awake gently, and she rises stiffly, but with grace, and starts to gather her things. 

“They were good tonight. Well, mostly. Vali and Narvi tried to build a fort in the dining room using the sheets off your bed; I remade it as best as I could but I think Vali spilt cola over a part of it. Helena finished her library books and made it halfway through one of my political science textbooks, I really think she’s not being challenged hard enough at school. Jorge may have eaten one of my pens, either way I can’t find it, I guess we’ll find out. Sleipnir nearly fell out the window but his shirt got caught on the frame and he made it back inside, I think you need to fix the lock. Either way, they are all asleep, I think, and I tidied up the kitchen best I could but you’re out of dishwashing liquid.” 

Thor gapes a little, because the girl is impossibly bubbly so soon after a nap, and who are all these children? It’s slightly bewildering, and he shrugs his heavy bag off his shoulders and onto the floor. 

Loki is smiling though, and shakes his head, and promises to talk to Helena’s teacher and get the lock fixed on the window. He passes Darcy her money for babysitting tonight, and extra because he couldn’t afford to pay her the last time. She takes it with a grin, and gives Loki a quick peck on the cheek before bouncing out of the room. 

Loki tucks the money back in his pocket before he holds a finger to his lips, closing Thor’s mouth of questions before has a chance to ask them, and then walks quietly to a door in the hall. He pushes it open carefully and quietly, and Thor follows him inside, trying to be silent. There’s a bunk bed against the far wall, and two boys dressed in identical blue pyjamas are fast asleep, sheets bunching around their legs. On a bed under the window, an older boy sleeps, his black hair framed across a pillow as he clutches at the blankets. Opposite him, on a third bed, a pretty girl lies, wearing My Little Pony pyjamas, her arms tight around a well-worn teddy bear. 

Loki bends to then all, kissing their cheeks and stroking their hair, pulling up their sheets so they are covered from the chill of night. Thor just stands there, realisation hitting him like a kick to the gut as he watches Loki with his children, the niece and nephews that he had never met. 

They creep out of the room and Loki pulls the door to, before walking down the hall to another door, and this one is half open. There’s a cot shoved between the double bed and the wall, with just enough room for one person to shuffle between, and Loki bends down to stroke the soft hair of a baby, a little boy who can’t be more than 5 months old. Loki’s touch is delicate, his face serene, and gone is the haunted depression that marred his face when Thor noticed him in the club. 

“You have children,” Thor says bluntly, still half disbelieving, but the proof is right there in front of him. 

Loki doesn’t look away from the child in the crib, just nods his head slowly. “5 children.” He grips the edge of the cot, and Thor sees his hands grow white. “And one stillborn. Fenrir.”

Thor just gapes, unable to reconcile the image he remembers of his younger brother, quiet and shy, with so many children. He can’t think what to say, and his feet have rooted him to the floor. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he manages eventually. 

“I didn’t think father would approve,” Loki says quietly. “You know what he’s like.”

“Yes, I know what he’s like. But to have 5 children - _5 children_ , Loki, Jesus Christ – we never knew,” Thor pleaded. 

“I didn't wish you to.”

Thor’s lost for words now, and watches silently as the baby in the crib begins to murmur and toss before waking with a broken cry. Loki shushes him quietly, lifting him carefully up and out and holding him against his chest. Thor stands aside as Loki grabs a cloth from a pile of clean rags and carries the baby to the living room. He barely looks at Thor as he sits, and raises his shirt and holds the baby to his naked chest. The baby curls his fist in Loki’s shirt as he suckles but Thor can’t look anywhere but at the raptured expression on his brother’s face. 

“How old are they?” he asks. 

“This one, Jormungand, we call him Jorge… he's 5 months. The twins, Narvi and Vali, they are 3 years old, Helena is 6, and Sleipnir is 8.”

“Eight…” Thor rolls it around on his tongue for a moment, a dull shock rocking his mind. “You ran away eight years ago.”

Loki doesn’t look up, just nods slowly and sighs. “I did what I had to for my child.”

“You were pregnant.” If he’d hoped saying it aloud would make it easier for him to understand, Thor was mistaken. “You were seventeen, you were pregnant and you _ran away_ … We looked for you for months Loki, the police thought you were dead. **We** thought you were dead. Loki... why didn’t you stay? We would have helped you.”

Loki looks up at this, eyes flashing dangerously, and he shields the child in his arms as if he doesn’t want him to hear. “ _Helped_ me?” he hisses. “Father would have had me kill my baby. He would have never have let him feel daylight on his skin. You know how he feels, Thor, you know how he feels about me. He was always disappointed that I was one of… one of _those_ ” – Loki spits out the word, and Thor is reminded of his - _their_ \- father, the way he ranted about men who could carry children, and how they didn’t deserve citizenship, they were a lower class, and often this was at the table, _in front of Loki_ … - “those filth who could…” Loki’s voice trembles and a tear slides down his cheek, and abruptly he turns away to kiss his child’s head. 

“I couldn’t let him take my baby away from me.” Loki’s voice trembles and he wipes angrily at the tears staining his cheeks. “That’s why I ran away, Thor.”

Thor has no children, he has no concept of a bond between parent and child. He hates this, hates that Loki had to run away to birth a child in secret instead of getting support and love from the people who should have understood. 

“Loki… I’m sorry.” Thor means it, and knows it’s not enough, but Loki gives him a tiny smile. 

They don’t talk again because the words seem difficult to find, and Thor sits quietly. He looks around at the small apartment again, and thinks about how the whole place could have probably fit into their living room back home. There are few luxuries, just a beat up TV and an old VCR player, no video games or X-Box. The couches are old and saggy, there is little decoration to speak of, and what looks like second-hand children’s toys spill out of a broken plastic container. It’s functional, but poor, though Thor can’t help but notice how clean the place is. 

Slowly, the door to the children’s room squeaks open, and a dishevelled and sleepy head pokes around the corner. It’s one of the twins, Narvi or Vali, and he’s holding a teddy bear that seems to be missing an arm and a leg, and his eyes are barely open. 

“Mommy?” he whispers, holding onto the doorknob. 

Loki just smiles and pats the couch next to him. “Come,” he says softly, and a smile nearly splits the child’s face in two. He closes the door quietly and runs over to the couch, but sits carefully, as if to not disturb the baby. He peers down over the bundle, watching his baby brother suckle. Loki strokes his hair, smiling down at him, and Thor, with a thunk, remembers being 4 and peering down at his new baby brother with awe while his mom patted his hair. 

That was a long time ago, when no-one could have imagined this. 

“Narvi… I want to meet a friend of mine. His name is Thor.” Narvi looks up at his mother’s voice and then over to the couch where Thor sits. Thor thinks he must be imagining things at first, but then the subtleties don’t go away and he realises there must be something wrong with Narvi’s eyes. He’s not just squinting, he’s tilting his head, and his left eye seems unfocused, as if it’s looking somewhere else. The young child smiles cautiously, although Thor suspects he can’t really see him. Without really thinking, Thor rises from his place and slides onto the end of Loki’s couch to be closer, but Narvi’s eyes don’t follow him. It’s not until he speaks and says, “hello” that Narvi seems to see him again. 

“Hi,” he says shyly back, and practically tries to hide himself in his mother’s side. Thor and Loki both smile, but Narvi is shy, and closes his eyes, teddy clutched again in his arm. 

“What’s wrong with his eye?” Thor asks, curious. 

“Amblyopia.” Loki smiles at the utter confusion on Thor’s face. “Otherwise known as lazy eye. That eye doesn’t work very well.” 

“Can the doctors do anything about it?”

“He needs an operation to fix his sight. If he doesn’t get it before he’s 5, he might never be able to use it properly again. The sight isn’t very good in his other eye either, so he can’t rely on that one. He can barely see.” Loki looks defeated, and sad. 

“Is that… is that why you were at that club?” It’s the first time either of them have broached the subject since they left the place, though Thor doesn’t really want to think of it at all. 

Loki nods. “The operation is $5,000. The glasses he will need after that are $450. I don’t have insurance. That money that I got tonight is the last thousand dollars I need for the operation.” 

“Loki… you could have called us. We would have found you the money.” 

“No you wouldn’t. Thor, if father found out these children were alive, I would be forever in fear that he would come to take them away, legal or not. I can’t allow that to happen. It’s better that he doesn’t know they exist.”

“They are his _grandchildren_ Loki, he has a right to know! He has a right to know you are _alive_.”

Loki is crying again, bent over the child, stroking his face as if Jorge could release his pain. “I’m sorry Thor, I’m sorry for making you believe I was dead. But I can’t let my children go. Please, you can’t tell him.” 

Thor softens. “I won’t. But please… at least phone mother to tell her you live. She mourns you every day.”

Loki nods through his tears. “I miss her every day,” he says, anguished. 

“You know she would love your children. It’s not like I’ve given her any.”

Loki smiles through his tears and Thor hopes he’s been forgiven. Jorge has finished feeding and Loki burps him over his shoulder before returning him to his crib, and Thor sits on the couch, keeping an eye on Narvi, who appears to be asleep. 

“So what were you doing at that club, anyway?” Loki asks as he comes back into the room. 

Thor sighed. “I wasn’t meant to be there at all. I was supposed to be meeting a friend at a bar along that road. I got hopelessly lost.”

“Clearly.”

Thor shrugged. “I phoned him. We’re meeting tomorrow night instead.” 

Loki seems satisfied, and sits back down next to Narvi. He yawns, and Thor suddenly feels guilty for keeping him up. 

“I’m sorry, I should really get going. It’s late.” He stands up, but Loki protests. 

“No, don’t be silly. Stay here. I only have the couch, but it’s not too bad really.” 

Thor pauses. He hasn’t even found a hotel room yet, and it’s bound to be well past 2am. “Ok. Only if I can meet the rest of them properly in the morning.”

Loki smiles, and it’s the happiest Thor’s seen him all night.


	2. Thor

Thor is woken harshly the next morning. He rues his lack of sleep as children’s voices echo madly around the living room. Loki is already up and dressed, ushering half-dressed children all over the place, and it’s chaos but with a touch of parental organisation. It takes him a moment to push the blankets off, but the living room isn’t that cold and he manages to struggle upright and plonk his feet on the floor. A child, clearly Narvi’s twin, Vali, is staring at him with a toothbrush sticking out from his mouth, but before Thor can speak he’s run off to the kitchen, where Loki seems to be busying himself with making oatmeal.

He stands, and stretches, and Loki notices he's awake. “Bathroom is the first door on the right down the hall.”

He's desperate so he doesn't linger, and finds himself in the bathroom a few seconds later. Like the rest of the apartment, it's old but clean and functional. Childrens' bath toys sit in net bags around the bleached scrubbed tub and a bunch of toothbrushes, all adorned with the plastic heads of various animals, stare up at him from a glass on the counter. It's clear that the children are the focus of this household. 

He finishes quickly, though apparently not quick enough because when he opens the door Sleipnir is waiting, a twin in each hand to make them finish brushing their teeth. Sleipnir glares at him as he bustles the children in and closes the door. Thor's taken-aback but remembers that he's just a stranger to these children in their home. 

The door to the children's bedroom is open, and Helena is inside, making the beds. She's quick and efficient, soothing the sheets and spreading the comforters until they are perfect. She even picks up the toys from the floor and packs everything away until the room is spotless. He turns away before she notices him.

Jorge is in a bassinet on the floor by the couch, awake but quiet, his tiny hands playing with a colourful but worn cloth toy. Thor sits back down on the couch and watches him, still a little amazed that these beautiful little children are his brother's, and therefore his niece and nephews. 

There are a set of photographs on the opposite wall, above the TV, and Thor stands to have a look. There are the usual photos – each of the children as babies, smiling up at the camera, and they all have Loki's eyes. He smiles as he looks at them, and especially at the photos that have Loki holding his children, because he looks so happy. 

On top of the TV are a couple of larger framed photos, and they are of a handsome man Thor doesn't recognise. In one photo, he wears the uniform of a soldier of the army, and he stands proudly in front of the American flag. In the other photo, he's with Loki, and in their arms they each hold a baby, Narvi and Vali. Helena and Sleipnir sit beside them, much younger, but still smiling, their eyes happy and bright grins on their faces. 

“That's my husband, Michael. He was Helena, Narvi, Vali and Fenrir's father.”

Thor starts, because he didn't hear Loki come up behind him, and because he hadn't realised Loki was _married_. He looks at Loki, who isn't looking back at him, but rather at the photos with a wistful, sad smile. “Where is he?” Thor asked quietly, not sure that he even wanted to know the answer.

Loki sighs. “He died. 2 and a half years ago, not long after we took this photo. He was in Afghanistan. His company was destroyed by a bomb attack. He was a wonderful man and an amazing father. He loved his children so much.”

_And you,_ Thor thinks, and feels his heart break for his brother. He just doesn't know what to say. Loki had been through so much, _too_ much. 

“This was our house,” Loki continues, and points to a large, white farmhouse that stood regally in the background of one of the pictures of the children. “I lost it after he died. I couldn't keep up the repayments on the mortgage by myself.”

“How?” Thor asks. “Surely the military would have...” He stops as Loki shakes his head sadly. 

“We were married, but not in the eyes of the military. The Defence of Marriage Act 1996 does not recognise same-sex couples. I'm not eligible for health insurance or survivor compensation because I am a man, just like my husband.”

Thor feels sickened, and swallows the bile that rises in his throat. He is suddenly so angry, angrier than he has ever been in his life, because _this_ , this blatant discrimination, is what has left his brother in such dire straits. His brother's husband died for his country and they turned their back on him. Thor wants to scream, to drive his fist through the plasterboard. 

“I meet him not long after Sleipnir was born. He helped me, he gave me a home, he gave me what I needed to survive. He gave me my beautiful babies,” Loki says, and chokes, his eyes brimming with tears. “I loved him so much.”

Thor felt tears wet his own eyes, and pulls Loki close, into the first hug they've shared for longer than Thor can count. He feels Loki sob against his shoulder and grips him harder, whispering soothing words into his ears that, heartfelt as they were, could never fill the gaping hole that would forever mar Loki's heart. 

Thor cries for his brother, for the husband that he had for such a little time, for the child that died before Loki could birth him, for the children that were so young when their father died and had to grow up without him. He cries for the niece and nephews that he hadn't been able to watch grow up, and for the brother that he lost for so long. He cries for the pain that his brother must have to live with every day. 

He doesn't know how long they stand there for, but when they part, with flushed faces and red, sore eyes, Sleipnir has given all the children their breakfast and they are sitting silently at the table. Thor wonders how often they see their mother cry, and he can only imagine, from their stoic expressions, that it's quite often. Loki smiles at the children and thanks Sleipnir, who is old for an 8 year old. He can tell that Loki is close to crying again, and when his brother picks up Jorge and leaves quietly for his room he hopes that Loki closes the door so his sobs don't pass into the living room. Once is enough for today. 

It's awkward, standing there with children who have no idea who he is. Sleipnir stares at him, as if weighing him up, and Thor shifts his weight from foot to foot, because it's rather unnerving being scrutinised by an eight year old. 

“There's more oatmeal on the stove, and bread in the pantry if you want toast,” Sleipnir says suddenly, as if he's finished studying Thor and has decided he isn't a threat. 

“Uh... thank you,” Thor says, and takes some oatmeal because he's starving, and he needs something to do with his hands. He sits on the couch because there's no more room at the table, and eats silently. 

When the children are finished, Sleipnir takes their plates and rinses them in the sink before washing them properly, and Helena wipes the faces of the twins and sends them to play on the floor before clearing the table and drying the dishes. Thor is amazed, because they are so young, but they clearly have jobs to do and they do them so well. When he was younger Thor had a nanny, and servants made the food and did the dishes. When he was 8, Thor spent his time playing and exploring; he had no chores around the home, and he wonders now just how spoilt he was. An 8 year old Thor would have never done the dishes or helped his younger brother, because other people had those jobs. 

Narvi scoots close to him, peering up at him with unfocused eyes. Thor stares down at him for a moment, looking again at those damaged eyes that despite everything, shone the same shade of green as his brother's. Narvi comes closer and lays a hand on his knee, as if he wants to stand, and he does a moment later. 

He's a little unsteady and reaches out a hand, and Thor takes it out of instinct.

“What's your name?” Narvi asks, and squints. 

“My name is Thor,” Thor says, and smiles when Narvi's face breaks into a wide grin. 

“I like your name,” Narvi tells him, and pulls on his hand.

“Narvi...” Sleipnir says cautiously from the kitchen, where he's putting away dishes and Helena is wiping the bench. 

Narvi doesn't hear him, or just ignores him, because he climbs then, onto Thor's lap. Thor isn't used to holding children – he has none of his own, and rarely encounters them in his normal daily life. Nevertheless he welcomes Narvi, lets him wriggle around until he's settled, sitting sideways with his legs over Thor's thighs. Narvi cuddles into him and closes his eyes, and then Vali is climbing up too, a tattered book in his hands. He holds it out to Thor, eyes wide, and Thor takes it carefully. It's _Where the Wild Things Are_ , a book that Thor remembers fondly.

He opens it and begins to read, and though these children must know this book from heart – it's well-worn and the spine is broken – they listen as if they have never heard it before. Even Helena and Sleipnir come to sit on the floor and listen when they are finished their chores, and when Loki comes out from the bedroom with tired eyes they are all quiet, and Thor's voice is the only sound. 

Loki sits down next to Vali and gathers him in his arms, and then something breaks and Helena climbs onto the couch next to Thor, and Sleipnir in the middle between Thor and his mother. 

After _Where the Wild Things Are_ it's _Dogger_ by Shirley Hughes, and Thor reads the words with a wistful sadness because he remembers this was Loki's favourite book as a child. Then Helena passes him _The Gruffalo_ , a book too recently published for him to know but the children clearly adore it. 

The pile of books grows, and the morning passes as Thor reads quietly. At one point Loki falls asleep, his face peaceful at last, his arms holding Vali close. When the children are hungry Sleipnir fetches crackers, and he brings Thor some too, which makes him think he's passed some sort of important test, for the boy is clearly quite protective of his younger siblings and his mother.

When they have finished the children's pile of books Thor's throat is dry and parched and the clock on the wall tells him its lunchtime. Loki is still asleep, so Thor carefully lets Narvi down and goes into the kitchen to see what food there is. The fridge carries only the necessities – milk, margarine, orange juice, some fruit and vegetables. The pantry is just as bare, and Thor's heart breaks even more for Loki and his children. He closes the door to the pantry before the children can see how distressed he is and he bends on one knee, trying hard to smile. 

“Tell you what, why don't I go out and get us some lunch? My treat?”

Narvi and Vali look excited, but Sleipnir looks wary and Helena won't meet his eyes. “Are you going to come back?” Sleipnir asks, his face hardening just a little. “Of course I am,” Thor says to him, almost a little hurt but he reminds himself that these children can't always expect what they should. “Look, I'm going to leave my bag here, so I have to come back, won't I?”

The argument seems to please Helena, and Sleipnir looks a little less wary, but Thor can tell he will have to fulfil his promise completely before Sleipnir will trust him. “Ok,” Sleipnir says, somewhat blankly, and he stands aside to let Thor out of the kitchen. 

When Thor leaves, the children are all standing together, watching him go.

*

He finds a bakery not far from the apartment and buys half the store, not caring how much he spends. He buys sandwiches of all types, buns with frosting, cupcakes and gingerbread men. There are treats made of marshmallow and whole loaves of bread, and he buys a bottle of lemonade to wash it all down with. There's a deli too, and he stops in for potato salad and ham, and picks up some cheese as an after thought. He makes his way back, laden with bags, and wonders how Loki manages to feed all his children.

Sleipnir lets him in, eyes wide at the bags that Thor has, and Narvi and Vali make so much noise they wake their mother.

“What... oh Thor, what do you have?” Loki asks, voice rusty from sleep. He blinks up at Thor, hair mussed and shirt twisted. 

“I just bought some lunch,” Thor tells him, and puts the bags on the table. The children crowd around but Loki sends them away to wash their hands. He comes up behind Thor as he empties the bags. 

“You didn't have to do this,” Loki says quietly.

“I wanted to,” Thor said, looking at his brother. “I am their uncle, after all.” He smiles and pulls out a tray of chocolate treats that were probably crammed full of sugar. 

Loki had to laugh. “When that sugar kicks in _you_ are dealing with the fall out.”

The children come back then, and one stare from their mother quiets their excited voices and they stand politely at the table, but Thor can see the way they are looking at the food. They don't look like they are starving, but Thor can only imagine that this sort of food is few and far between. 

They have the sandwiches first, and the loaves with ham and cheese and the potato salad. After that the children are allowed to choose their treats, and they have their full until their faces are coated in sugar and chocolate and their fingers are sticky. The lemonade goes down well and Thor wishes he had thought to buy another bottle. 

By the time lunch is finished and the rest of the food is put away for another time, Narvi and Vali are sleepy and Loki asks them quietly to wash their hands and faces and lay down. They trot away together, their matching brown curls bouncing with each step. 

Helena settles down with a book - _Black Beauty_ \- and Sleipnir with a sketchbook and a pack of crayons. Loki brings In Jorge, who's awake, and he and Thor sit side-by-side on the couch, and they talk to each other about the time that's been lost between them. 

*

Later that evening Thor resigns himself to the fact that he has a train to catch, and he needs to be home tonight if he wants to be on time for work tomorrow. It's been a strange weekend, one that turned out immensely different from the one he had been expecting. He arrived in Boston to see his old friend and found a brother with 5 beautiful children. 

His heart aches to be leaving them, because he's had only a day and that's not enough, so not enough, and he wants to stay and watch them grow. He wants to help Loki, to be there for him, and after he says his tearful goodbyes to his niece and nephews – who, with the careful use of a particular story book, now know him as _Uncle_ Thor – he slides three hundred dollars into his brother's back pocket as he hugs him. 

“Take it,” he says, when Loki begins to protest. “I'm just sorry I couldn't give you any more.”

Loki's pride fights with his need, but the money could pay for so much – clothes, food, rent – that he just can't say no. 

“Thank you,” he says instead, and blinks as tears fall from his eyes. “Please come back, the children love you,” he says, and Thor, who is his brother, after all, knows perfectly well that Loki means that he will miss him too. 

“You can guarantee it,” he says, and presses one more kiss to each of the children's foreheads. “I'll miss you all.”

Narvi starts crying quietly as Thor closes the door behind him, and he can hear it through the wood. He cries too, for he left a part of his heart behind that door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, Loki's position is a very real one. The Defence of Marriage Act 1996 holds same-sex relationships as unequal and denies the same-sex spouses of military wives and husbands the privileges held by partners in female/male marriages. However, I took the liberty of allowing Loki and his husband to be married while he actively served - before the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, it's unlikely that they would have been married.


	3. Christmas

It's Christmas, and the snow has come to Boston, and so has Thor. He talked his way out of Christmas at his parents, insisting that he would visit as soon as he could. He couldn't tell them, but he had somewhere more important to be.

He arrives in Boston on Christmas Eve, because he hadn't been able to leave work until the day before. His time, his old friend Steve meets him at the train station, so as not to miss each other again. And Thor has no desire to revisit that club. 

Steve has no family, having grown up an orphan. It's never nice to be alone on Christmas, so Thor greets him with a wide smile and a hug. After all, they hadn't quite managed to meet up the last time Thor was in town. They catch up as they walk from the train station to a cosy cafe, and in the enveloping warmth Thor tells Steve about his brother, and the children that Thor has missed so badly. 

He knows how much Steve loves children, and of course, Steve does not object to coming to Loki's for Christmas the next day. Thor does tell him that Loki has no idea he is even coming – Thor is relying on Loki's lack of funds to ensure he will be staying home, and hasn't left with the children in tow to some unreachable destination – but Steve just smiles and says he understands. 

They have coffee and let it warm their bones before they venture back out in the snow, and into the throngs of people doing their last minute Christmas shopping. Thor has his Christmas bonus in his pocket, and though in years past he's spent it on presents for himself or a trip away, he has a far more important use for it this year. 

They visit every shop they pass. Thor buys books for Helena - _Alice in Wonderland, The Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables, The Secret Garden_ \- and a bunch more that the sales assistant assured them a young girl would love. She also gets new clothes (Thor guestimates the sizes with the help of a plastic shop model), a stuffed pony, toys, and a quilt for her bed that has the moon and stars etched on it in delicate stitches. 

He tells Steve that Sleipnir enjoys drawing, and because Steve is a great drawer himself he lets him choose things for Sleipnir – new sketchbooks, oil pastels, drawing pencils, paints and brushes. There are clothes for him too, and some games, and the _Northern Lights_ trilogy, because he think Sleipnir would get a kick out of reading it. 

The twins are easy – more clothes, boardgames, picture books, stuffed toys, dress up clothes. There are new quilts for their beds too (and then Thor has to go buy one for Sleipnir as well, because he can't be the only child without a new blanket) and little bags to put all their new toys in. 

Jorge is a little harder to buy for – what do you buy a baby, anyway? - but Steve is onto it and they buy new clothes (Thor doubts the little boy has ever had clothes of his own), new blankets for his cot, a colourful mobile, and some floppy toys. 

Thor can't leave out Loki, who he is quite sure never buys anything for himself, and because he knows Loki is quite head-strong about what he likes and what he doesn't Thor goes for the easy route and buys him vouchers from men's clothing stores, and also one from the grocery not far from his apartment block. He also buys Loki a bracelet on which he asks the jeweler to engrave the names of Loki's children, and of his husband, and throws him a little extra to have it ready by that afternoon.

They buy so much they have to make three trips back to Steve's apartment to drop off bags. Thor has never bought so much for anyone else when he didn't need to, but it gives him this indescribable feeling that makes his chest constrict. Even after Thor declares they are finished he changes his mind, because there's still money left, and he buys some children's DVDs and a new DVD player for all the children to enjoy. His budget won't stretch to an X-Box, but he decides they are getting one next Christmas. 

He and Steve buy 12 rolls of wrapping paper and 4 rolls of sellotape, and use it all. By the time they are finished it's growing late and there is an enormous pile of presents, all labelled with the children's names but not who they came from. He and Steve grab a bite to eat before packing the presents into large bags, and Thor hails a taxi to take them to Loki's apartment block. 

By the time they lug everything up the stairs it's 9.45pm, and Thor knows the children will be in bed. There's light at the bottom of the door though, and through the wood Thor can hear Loki singing gently, perhaps walking Jorge to sleep. 

Thor knocks quietly, heart thumping in his chest because sudden insecurity washes over him and he hopes that Loki wants to see him, and the children too of course, and he hopes Loki doesn't take umbrage over the amount of presents he's bringing. The singing stops, and Thor can hearful careful footsteps approaching the door. 

“Who is it?” Loki asks cautiously through the door, not even opening it. Thor doesn't blame him.

“It's me. It's Thor,” he says, and holds his breath. 

For a moment there is absolute silence, and Thor closes his eyes because he thinks he's blown it, but then he hears the security chain being pulled across and Loki is unlocking the door and pulling it open. 

_“Thor?!”_ Loki asks, surprise in his voice and on his face, and Thor knows what it must look like. 

“Uh, Merry Christmas?” Thor says weakly, but then a smile rushes over Loki's face and everything is alright. 

“I can't believe... I didn't know you were coming,” Loki says, pulling the door open wider and then the light from inside washes over them and for the first time, Loki sees Steve and the enormous bags of presents. “Wh... what is this?”

“It's eight years of birthday and Christmas presents for my niece and nephews,” Thor says. “And this is Steve, my friend. He helped me buy everything.”

For a moment Loki says nothing at all, and Thor sees a flurry of emotions wash over his face, some of which he couldn't hope to discern. Then he realises Loki _can't_ say anything because he's crying, and there are tears pouring down his cheeks. Thor hugs him and hugs him, and at some point he starts crying too. Unbidden, Steve brings the presents and Thor's bag inside, and then they pull apart, cheeks red and stained with tears. 

“I can't believe this,” Loki says, trying hard not to keep crying. Then he takes another look at the presents and bursts into tears. “I couldn't afford any presents for the kids this year,” he chokes out through his tears, and Thor realises just what it is he's done for this family. Even Steve has unnaturally shiny eyes. 

Thor guides Loki to the sofa and makes him sit, while Steve coos over Jorge, who's wide awake in his bassinet. Loki cries quietly in his arms and Thor rocks him gently, pressing kisses into his black hair. After a while Loki's tears dry and he covers his eyes with his hands. 

“I didn't know what I was going to tell the children in the morning,” Loki says, his voice muffled by his hands. “They've been looking forward to Christmas for a month, and I couldn't even buy them presents.”

Thor's heart breaks again, because he can hear harrowing pain in his brother's voice. He can't imagine what it would feel like, to know that you had no choice but to let your children down, because the alternative was not eating or not paying rent or power, and they couldn't live without any of those. 

“It's ok,” he soothes. “They have presents, lots of them, and I am going to _make sure_ they always have presents, every year, no matter what.”

Loki smiles, relief and love for his children beating the pride that might have turned Thor down. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Thor says, and means it. “Now, should we get everything organised?”

Loki had some decorations up, but Thor had bought some too, and they put them all up together after Thor had properly introduced Steve to Loki. Steve had bought a small christmas tree – it was fake and four feet high, but real pine trees were hard to find on Christmas Eve. They put the rest of the decorations on that and then arrange the presents around it – there were so many, they took up half the room on the living room floor. Loki can't stop smiling. 

By the time they are finished, it's 12.34am. Loki puts sleeping Jorge away in his cot and then makes them hot chocolate, and they sit around and talk for a little while. Steve and Loki get on well, which Thor is pleasantly happy about. Steve was a captain in the army before an injury to his back confined him to a desk job, and he was worried that discussion about his job would bring back unhappy memories for Loki – but he seems genuinely interested in Steve and asks him about his experiences overseas. 

When the clock hits 1am Steve reluctantly parts, because there's not enough room for him to stay the night. He promises to be back early the next morning, in time to watch the children open their presents. 

“He's cute,” Loki says, as soon as the door closes behind Steve, and Thor whips his head around. 

“Really?”

“Really,” Loki says with a mischievious grin. “He's not taken, is he?”

Thor starts to laugh. “No Loki, he's not taken.”

_And Thor didn't even have to convince Loki that Steve was a catch. This was going even better than he hoped._

*

Thor is awoken the next morning by screams, and he opens his eyes to see the children squealing with excitement. The only one who isn't is Sleipnir, who's staring at the enormous pile of presents with an almost lost look. Thor realises that Sleipnir, as the oldest, is probably more perceptive than the others and perhaps he had realised that there was no money for presents this year. So when Sleipnir turns to him, looking confused, he gives the young boy a wink and a smile, and watches with bubbling happiness how the knowing grin spreads on his face. Sleipnir winks back and Thor knows he won't tell. 

Loki comes into the living room yawning and with Jorge in his arms. He stands for a while and watches too, as the children find their presents and try to guess what's in them. He looks content and happy, because his children are happy, and Thor's heart aches, just a little. 

He climbs out of bed and sneaks to the bathroom before any of the children can beat him there, and he washes and changes quickly. After he's finished, Loki orders each child in one by one, until they are all standing there clothed, faces scrubbed and teeth brushed. 

The children are all so excited Thor can practically see them tremble with it. But he knows that Loki wants them to eat first, and Thor decides this is something he can help with. He finds enough ingredients for pancakes and gets to work, with Sleipnir helping him by pouring the mixture into the pan. He makes stacks of them, laden with the last of Loki's butter, and Thor makes a mental note to buy him more later. 

Thor is having an eating race with Helena when there's a knock on the door and Loki answers it, and it's Steve, laden down with yet more bags. 

“I bought lunch,” Steve says, by way of greeting, and Loki just laughs and shakes his head and looks like he could kiss Steve. 

“Where did you find all that at this time? On Christmas morning, no less?” Thor asks. 

Steve shrugged. “I bought it a while ago,” he says as he pulls out a giant ham, already defrosted and ready for the oven. There are potatos and sweet potatos, pumpkin, peas, turkey for whoever doesn't want ham, and a can of pineapples for the ham. He's even brought dessert – ice cream and chocolate cake. The children love him already, even though they have no idea who he is. 

Thor makes introductions, and after everyone has met everyone and Steve has a stack of pancakes as tall as a skyscraper he bends down to whisper “Thank you” into his ear. Thor had been so concerned about presents he'd forgotten about food, and judging by the state of Loki's cupboards there wouldn't have been much of a Christmas lunch without Steve's contribution. But he knows Steve well – Steve is the most generous person Thor has ever met, always willing to help others and put himself last. This is so typical Steve that Thor shouldn't even be surprised at all. 

After breakfast has been cleaned up it's time for presents. The children go first – and Thor watches through blurry eyes (must have been dust) as they pass each other presents and excitedly rip the wrapping off their gifts until the carpet is covered. There are endless squeals and cries of delight, and Thor's gifts go down so well he wishes he had been able to do it every year. 

Helena changes into her new clothes immediately and to Thor's relief they fit. Sleipnir is so happy with his art supplies he starts to cry, and Thor is a little alarmed until he realises how excited the boy is through his tears. He wonders how often Sleipnir gets to be just a little boy. 

Narvi and Vali are so taken by their new toys they forget to open the rest of their presents until Helena makes them. Then she finds a present labelled for her father and passes it up to him, and Loki is quite clearly surprised that there are gifts for him. 

“Open it,” Thor says, knowing perfectly well what's inside. There's an envelope with the vouchers inside first of all, and Loki looks excited by the clothing vouchers and downright relieved by the grocery ones, so Thor knows he's made a good choice. Then there's the bracelet, which Thor picked up at 8pm the previous night. Loki takes it out of its black velvet box carefully, and inspects it, and Thor can tell when he spots the names engraved on it because his face starts to wobble. When he sees Michael's name it's all over and he starts to cry, and Thor holds him until he's shed tears for his lost husband. 

Steve starts collecting the wrapping and fills one of the large bags entirely, and then the children spend the rest of the morning playing while Loki opens the gifts for Jorge and Steve starts on lunch.

“Thank you so much for these,” Loki says. “I honestly, I can't thank you enough.”

“This is enough,” Thor says, and points to the children, who are wearing such happy looks on their faces. 

“Promise me you'll always be a part of their lives,” Loki asks. “It would break their hearts if they never saw you again.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Thor promises, then pauses for a moment. “If anything, soon you'll be begging me to stay away.”

Loki looks up at him, clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I got a transfer. They asked me to come here. I wasn't going to say no,” Thor tells him, having decided to not tell Loki that actually, he'd asked for the transfer. “I'm moving to an apartment 5 blocks away.”

Loki's gaping at him, face struck with surprise, and Thor hopes it's not too much, too soon. In a way, they were still getting to know each other again. “That's awesome,” Loki manages eventually. He gives Thor a hug, squeezing tightly, and Thor knows everything's ok. Loki peers back up at him with a mischievious grin. “Free babysitting then?”

Thor can't help it, he roars with laughter. 

*

Steve is a good cook and it shows, because lunch is amazing – even the children eat their vegetables. Jorge croons from his bassinet while they eat, and at some point Steve pulls a box of crackers from a bag and the children hoot and holler as they pull them and play with the toys. Thor ends up with three different coloured paper hats on his head, a small pack of playing cards (with 57 cards), a bracelet and a tiny screwdriver set. Even Loki's wearing a green paper hat. 

After lunch is finished and the dishes are done (remarkably quickly, with the reward of chocolate cake sitting on the bench) they sit back down for dessert. The cake is enormous and there's still some left even after everyone's had at least two slices. They save the rest for after dinner and there's a queue for the bathroom to wash sticky hands and faces. 

Helena sits down with a book, Sleipnir with his new art supplies and Steve doesn't waste any time in joining him to show him how to use the oil pastels. Narvi and Vali refuse to go down for a nap so Loki reluctantly lets them stay up, but within half an hour they're sprawled over Thor on the couch and the three of them are fast asleep. Loki feeds Jorge then has a nap himself, and for a while everything is quiet. 

*

When Thor wakes the first thing he feels is the heavy weight of a small child on his chest. Vali is sleeping, eyes gently closed, and he just lays there for a while, stroking his soft hair. Narvi is laying over his legs so getting up is not an option. He turns and sees Helena asleep on a chair and Sleipnir, still drawing in his book. 

Steve and Loki are at the table, cups of hot coffee in their hands, and Loki's laughing quietly at something Steve is saying – he looks so content, so happy, that he fears to move lest he makes a noise and disturbs them. It doesn't take much to drift back to sleep. 

*

It's the twins scrambling off him that wakes him again, but his limbs have all fallen asleep and it's another 5 minutes before he can feel them. Loki makes him coffee and he takes it eagerly, slightly regretting that he spent a considerable portion of Christmas Day asleep. Steve sets up the new DVD player and puts Madagascar on – one of the new DVDs Thor bought – and within minutes all the children are staring wide-eyed at the television. The adults retreat to the kitchen and there's more coffee and a box of chocolates that Thor snuck in. 

Steve sits next to Loki and it doesn't take much for Thor to notice how his old friend looks at his brother. He can't say this is unwanted – Steve is the best man that Thor knows, far better than himself, and he knows that Steve would not care that Loki already had children, or that he hadn't a nice house or a flash car. The children would be loved as deeply as if they were his own (he knows how much Steve desires them) and Loki treated as if he were a queen. He can only hope that whatever this is between them (for Loki looks at Steve the same way Steve does at him) goes on far beyond today.

*

An hour or so later, Thor pulls Loki into his bedroom and closes the door. 

“I promised mother and father that I would phone them today,” he says.

Loki trembles but stays still. Thor can't reassure him any more than he already has that father will not take away his children (he knows by now it has roots deep inside him) but he can stay there, with him.

“I do not wish to talk to father,” Loki says after a moment, his face pale. Thor knows he hasn't yet contacted their mother.

“You don't have to,” Thor says quietly. “I'll talk to him first, then mother, and make sure she doesn't pass the phone to him. He doesn't have to know.”

Loki just nods. He looks terrified. Thor ushes him to the bed and makes him sit down, then climbs on beside him. Loki tries not to listen as Thor dials, then speaks, though he notes that Thor's side of the conversation is rather stifled – in that regard, his father certainly hadn't changed. Then Thor's voice changes – it becomes softer, more expressive, and realises that he must now be talking to their mother. He thinks of her and is nearly overcome with a sudden desire to see her, or hear her voice, to feel her hold him and tell him he's loved, like she did so often when they were children. He realises just how much he misses her, and a rush of sadness washes over him. 

“Mother... there is someone here who would like to talk to you. I would ask that you don't tell father, not yet anyway... No, I'm not going to tell you who it is. He can tell you.” Thor hands the phone out, and suddenly Loki's blocked up, just staring at that phone where, on the other end, his mother awaits him. What if she stopped loving him when he left? What if she can never forgive him? What if she doesn't want to know his babies?

Thor pushes the phone at him with an understanding smile, and whispers “I'll be right here,” and it's enough to know that Thor is with him, his father is not, he's safe. He takes the phone and holds it to his ear. 

“... Mother?” he says after a moment, voice broken and soft. There's nothing for a moment, then there's a choking gasp and he knows she remembers him. “Loki?” she asks, her voice disbelieving. “Is that my Loki?”

“It's me, mom,” he says, and cries, because suddenly he's 10 years old again, when his mother was the most important person in the universe. 

“Oh my god my Loki...” She's crying too, saying his name over and over again, and there's so much going through him that he can barely understand himself. He doesn't know what to feel, or how to speak. He thinks about how he must have broken his mother's heart, and a gut-wrenching sob forces its way out of his throat. “Where have you been darling?” she asks through her tears. “Are you ok?”

“I'm good mommy, I'm good.” He has to take a moment to just breathe. Thor's hand is rubbing his shoulders, and he leans into it, his desire for touch overwhelming. “I'm in Boston.”

“Boston... for how long?” 

“7 years mom. I went to Hartford first, then Boston.” There had been nothing for him in Hartford, just more heartache. Sleipnir had been born not long after he reached Boston, in a medical practice on the wrong side of town that didn't ask questions. 

“What have you been doing?” she asked, her voice thick with tears. 

“I got married, mom,” he says, realising as soon as he does how painful this must be for her to hear it, for she missed so much – his marriage, his babies, them growing up – all the things that his mother would have been looking forward to as he grew himself. “I had babies,” he tells her. “My husband died in the war.” He can hear her crying, and he can't stop himself – Thor hands him tissues from the box beside the bed and within minutes they are soaked. “I'm so sorry mom, I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you, that you couldn't be there... I'm so sorry.”

“My darling, oh my baby...” There's a moment when she cries again, heavy sobs. “Your husband... darling...” 

Loki knows what she wants to say and what she can't, and says, “It's ok mom, it's ok...”

“How... how many babies?” she asks, her voice trembling with emotion. 

“Five... Sleipnir, Helena, Narvi, Vali and Jorge. I had a little one that died before he was born, his name was Fenrir.

“ _Five_... oh sweetheart, can I meet them? I want to see you, I want to see your children.”

“Yes,” he says, and sobs, because he wants her there so badly. She starts talking again but he can barely hear her, tears flowing rapidly down his cheeks. Thor takes the phone from him though he doesn't listen. He lies down on his side, fist clutching a handful of tissues, and curls up into a ball. 

*

After dinner (ham sandwiches and chocolate cake) and before bathtime, Loki and Thor bundle the children up in coats and warm scarves, and find rubber boots to fit them all. Steve comes with them, holding onto Narvi's hand, guiding him. Thor takes Vali and Loki holds Jorge, wrapped up in warm blankets. They walk silently down the road, and they stop at a store that is still open and buy several bunches of flowers. 

Helena, Narvi and Vali lead the way to their father's grave in the far corner of the still and quiet cemetery. His headstone stands proudly above the snow, and beside it, there's a smaller headstone where baby Fenrir, who never lived to see his family, lies buried. Loki bends down and caresses the headstones, soft tears falling into the white snow. The children lay the flowers down and bend their heads, even Sleipnir, who loved his adoptive father as much as his siblings. 

They stand there for a while as the snow begins to fall again and gently cover the colour that adorns the graves. They stand there until the bells of the church begin to ring, and then with a soft smile Loki leads them away. Steve carries Narvi and wraps an arm around Loki's shoulder, and as Thor walks behind with Vali in his arms, he watches as Loki leans closer and walks home with Steve at his side.


	4. Snapshots

_1 month later_

Thor moves into his new apartment in Boston. Steve comes over to help, and when everything is shifted and roughly in place, Loki brings over the children who rush around and climb on the furniture and make everything seem like a home. They have takeout and watch movies, and when they don't think Thor is watching Steve pulls Loki closer and kisses him softly. 

_2 months later_

Narvi has his operation, and Thor takes three days off work to look after the children so Loki can stay in hospital with him. He calls Steve over to help, because these children walk all over him, and after one day they give up and let them do what they please. 

_3 months later_

It's Helena's birthday, and Thor buys her a set of riding lessons at a local horse ranch. Steve buys her jodhpurs and a helmet, and she's so excited Loki phones up Thor at 9.30pm when she refuses to sleep and tells him off. He thanks Thor though, when she comes from her first lesson with a smile that lights up the room. 

_4 months later_

Loki sees his mother for the first time in over 8 years at a park by their house. The children are playing with Thor and Steve, and he can hardly believe it when she's there, suddenly just 3 feet away. They hug for what seems like an eternity, and Loki tells her everything – about why he ran away, his children, his husband, everything he's done. She meets the children and hugs them, and they can't understand when she cries. 

_5 months later_

Steve asks Thor to babysit as he takes Loki out for dinner. Loki's wearing the new clothes he bought with the vouchers Thor gave him for Christmas, and he looks beautiful. Steve can't keep his eyes off him. 

_6 months later_

Thor gets used to seeing his brother make out with his best friend. Eventually.

_7 months later_

It's Jorge's one year birthday. He's grown so much that Thor can't believe it – he even takes his first steps that day, right into his grandmother's arms. Loki tells him, when he asks, that Jorge's father was a man he used to work for – a powerfully built man with steel-gray eyes, and he's glad that Jorge inherited his green eyes instead. 

_8 months later_

It's Narvi and Vali's birthday, and they create so much havoc that Loki has to lie down and it takes them three days to clean the walls. Steve moves in with Loki, and Thor tries hard not to imagine his best friend sleeping with his brother. He fails miserably the first night he stays there after Steve moves in. The walls are awfully thin, after all. 

_9 months later_

The summer holidays are over and the oldest children are back at school. Steve takes Sleipnir and Helena shopping for school and accidently brings them home with laptops instead of writing paper. Loki pretends to be angry, but it doesn't last very long. 

_10 months later_

It's Sleipnir's 9th birthday, and Steve arranges a party at a local children's restaurant because neither he nor Thor can stomach cleaning any more walls. Thor buys Helena another set of riding lessons, and she asks for a pony for Christmas.

_11 months later_

Thor meets a girl who works for the same company as he. It's love at first sight and when he brings Jane around to meet Steve, Loki and the children she's given the thumbs up. Sleipnir tells her she's welcome to stay. 

_12 months later_

It's Christmas, and this year it's at Thor's. Jane makes a mean turkey and Steve does the vegetables. Thor brings dessert, and an X-Box. Frigga brings treats for the children and more presents than Thor can count. Odin brings alcohol and a hug for his son, and how Frigga talked Odin around Thor doesn't know, but it's the best Christmas he's ever had. 

Thor gets a glorious handknit sweater from his mom and ear plugs from Steve. His real present is season tickets for the Boston Red Sox and for a moment he almost cries. _Almost._

Loki gets a small black box, and a beautiful 18k white gold ring inlaid with delicate diamonds. He cries, and says yes. 

*

_13 months later_

Steve takes Loki away for a weekend to a resort 2 hours north of Boston. Loki hasn't had a holiday since he was a teenager and is caught between utter excitement and despair at leaving his children for the first time. Thor and Jane promise to take good care of them and push Loki out of the door. 

_18 months later_

Thor breaks down and cries like a baby as he watches his brother walk down the aisle. He's the best man so it's not a very good look, but everyone is very understanding and he wipes his face with the tissues Jane put especially in his pocket. Loki smiles at him as he stands before his husband-to-be, and Thor gives him a watery smile back. Steve wears his military uniform and Loki wears a custom-designed suit that has had to be continually taken out to accommodate his ever-growing bump.


	5. Epilogue

_Christmas_

Thor paces the corridor waiting for news, his hands twisting together with nervousness. Jane's sitting in a chair, watching him, and smiling patiently. 

“He'll be fine, Thor.”

“Fine? Are you sure? I don't know why he couldn't do this at a hospital, what if something goes wrong?”

“It's not like he hasn't done this before. He knows what he's doing.”

“Still, I don't like it!”

*

It's been four hours since Loki called the midwife, but six since he called his mother. This baby is in no hurry to be born, though as Steve holds him through each contraction he can't help but feel it would be nice if it chose to appear soon.

“Not long now, Loki,” the midwife says, smiling up at him like she's done this a million times before. She probably has. 

He nods and pants, closing his eyes. The pain is dull but throbbing, spiking during each contraction. His mother wipes his face with a cool, damp cloth and the relief helps. 

*

Two hours later and he takes over, easing up onto his knees and letting Steve support him from behind. He listens to his body as he pushes, and though the pain he feels the baby's head. He lets the baby come out on its own, sliding into his hands. He holds her to his chest and just looks at her, as he feels Steve's tears drop on his shoulder. 

*

“It's a girl,” his mother says, bursting out of the room.

Thor gasps and falls into a chair while Jane stands up. “How are they?” she asks. 

“Doing well, just perfect. You can come in in a minute.”

Thor's shaking.

*

Loki cleans the baby himself, but lets Steve take care of him afterwards. When they are both clean and in bed, the baby having suckled and fallen asleep, Steve lets Thor and Jane in while Frigga leaves to relieve Odin of baby-sitting duties. 

Thor touches the baby reverently. She's so tiny, with blond hair like her father. He kisses Loki on the forehead and whispers “well done” in his ear, and then he and Steve promptly find the hard liquor. 

*

Loki and Steve's new house is large and open, and Thor understands (only afterwards, when everything is well) why he chose to give birth at home. There's land, because after such a cramped apartment they wanted space to roam. Thor even caved in and bought Helena a pony not long after they moved in, and then he had to go and buy another one because it was lonely. He never fancied himself a horse owner, but then again a lot of things had changed. 

There are bedrooms for everyone, but Narvi and Vali couldn't bear to be apart and lasted less than a day in their separate bedrooms. That left a room for the nursery, and Steve tells Thor that baby Sarah will not be the last new addition to their family. That's apart from the dogs, of course. And the ponies. And the cats. 

*

So Christmas this year is filled with the joy of a new life, and the promise of a new future. It's almost like a Hallmark card, Thor thinks, and then laughs and decides it's not such a bad thing really. He has his own new future too. It's not quite the future he envisaged when he was growing up, but given everything, this one will do.


End file.
